


the audacity to be beautiful

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: me sobbing about critical role [96]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Adorable, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding, Communication Failure, F/M, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jealousy, Light Angst, Male-Female Friendship, Mild Language, Pining, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Romantic Fluff, Secret Crush, Teasing, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 17:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19480939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: caleb, after beau asks if he's in love with nott: hope this doesn't awaken anything in me





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title by rudy francisco's awesome spoken word poem "if i was a love poet"

Caleb leaves his conversation with Beauregard feeling- odd. Like. Like the final piece to a puzzle he didn’t know he was putting together has been slotted into place and now the whole shape has changed. 

And he does not- he is not in love with Nott. He loves her, yes, he can admit it to himself now. He knows that Nott is his best friend, the closest friend he has had in eleven years. 

Caleb tries to push away the thought- _in love with Nott_ \- but he cannot help but turn it over. And over. And over. The same way one pushes at the gap where there was once a tooth. 

He watches Nott- watches the happy twitch of her ears when she really, truly smiles; notices how clean her teeth are, even if they are plentiful and sharp; how her yellow eyes reflect light in the afternoon; how her laugh is loud and unabashed; how when she makes acid in the lab, she sticks her tongue out in concentration. 

Over the weeks they stay in Rosohna, ~~making their house into a home~~ , renovating their new house, Caleb watches Nott and comes to the unpleasant conclusion that Beau may have been slightly more correct than he’d anticipated. 

Granted, the unpleasant conclusion is more to do with the circumstances that he’s come to it in, rather than the conclusion itself. Being in love with Nott is- is nice, and warm, and makes him feel tremendously happy and then guilty for being happy and then guilty and about being guilty because he could never, ever be ashamed of Nott and he _really_ doesn’t know what to _do_ with all the emotions swirling around inside him at the moment, so he ignores them.

He also maybe starts to avoid Nott. 

It’s not intentional at first- the library is very, very tempting, now that he actually has _time_ to sit down and take in the books. 

But ever since he’s recognized his feelings, he can’t help but stare at Nott maybe longer than friends should do, and after Jester makes a joke that is more on the nose than he would prefer but that is thankfully not questioned too deeply by the group, he realizes how truly incapable he is at hiding this. 

Frankly he is shocked Beau had not confronted him sooner. And gods forbid _Yeza_ notice, because Caleb has no intentions on ruining his favorite person in the world’s marriage, thank you. So he just.Continues the avoidance.

He notices her spiral, how could he not notice? She’s his best friend, but he doesn’t know what to _do_ and he feels paralyzed with indecision in a way he hasn’t since teenagerhood but worse, because he knows what he _should_ do, but there just isn’t _time_ ( ~~and he’s a coward.~~ ) 

* * *

He and Beau are sitting on what feels like the edge of the abyss and eating fermented berries when he brings it up. He feels guilty for talking with her and not Nott, but he does it anyway because he is selfish and not a good person. 

“Are you _~jealous~_?” she asks jokingly, elbowing him a little too roughly but with good spirit, and the truth comes out before Caleb can decide he doesn’t want to stop it-

“ _Ja_ , I- think so.”

Beau pauses, at that, stares at him more intently, and for whatever reason Caleb thinks to himself that this: deep underground, in the middle of the night, within the middle of a dungeon that could kill them all with every step forward they take, on the edge of a cliff filled with maddening whispers, is the right time for some soul-bearing. 

“Do you- recall when we spoke? In your room? When we were in Rosohna, and you asked me, er, whether or not I was. In love. With Nott.”

Beau’s brown eyebrows are raised, but she nods. 

“Yeah…? I was just tryin’ to get you out of my room, man, I didn’t mean to like- hurt your feelings, I’m- sorry?”

“No, no, I am not- my feelings, they are. Not hurt. Fine. Ish. It is just that, after, I did some thinking, and I, er, came to the conclusion that perhaps you were not entirely off base? But everything is complicated and- ah, _shitty_ , right now, and I am worried about her very much, but I do not know how to talk to her with this, hanging above me. But there are- complications, obviously, the dungeon, for one, but also her _husband_ , and I-,”

Beau puts a hand over his mouth to stop his ramble. “Okay. Dude, chill out. I mean, no shit it’s complicated, but just, I dunno, breathe, okay?”

She slowly moves her hand away and Caleb breathes. 

“Okay, so, _fuck_ , I was not expecting you to actually be in love with her. Yeah. Okay, well, you definitely need to talk to her. She’s spiraling hard right now, and like, I know I’m not one to talk about interpersonal relationship or whatever but you’ve been avoiding her- yeah, I fucking noticed, so did Jester, what the fuck dude- and that probably hasn’t helped. I’m pretty sure if anyone could make her feel better it’d be her _best friend_. You don’t have to get to your _crush_ right now ‘cause that’s a whole other shitshow, but dude, just ‘cause you’re having a moment doesn't mean her world stops spinning.”

Beau pops a berry in her mouth at the end of her talk, and then immediately spits it out, gagging as quietly as she can. 

Caleb has to take a second because he knows she’s right, Beau is very insightful, even if that doesn’t always translate to tact, but it’s still a lot to process, how much she notices. 

“ _Ja_ , okay. Just… talk to her. That is- I can do that.”

* * *

The thing is, Caleb doesn’t get a chance to talk to her until they’re out of the tomb, staring wide eyed at how _close_ it had been. How they’d gotten out by the terrifyingly thin skin of their teeth, and even that- Yasha, almost turned against them. Fjord, almost dead, Beau, almost dead. Every one of them panting with exhaustion and ready to fall to the ground right there and pass out. But they can’t, not yet, what with their moorbounders on the loose, and the urgency to get word to the Dynasty. 

They’re all still processing it, really. There is an immortal servant to the Crawling King buried in the mountain. It was almost released. If Nott hadn’t made an impossible shot, if Jester hadn’t been able to banish Obann, the _Laughing Hand_ could’ve been released upon the world. The consequences of that? Caleb doesn’t want to think about them. 

By the time the moorbounders are found, Caleb has set up the dome. Several minutes later they’re all asleep, having decided to risk it with the dome- none of them are up to watches right now, much as they don’t want to admit it. 

So they make their way to Bazzoxan, and alert the guard there, and send a message to Essik- not everything, but that they’ve finished their task and are headed back to give a report. 

It takes time, and lots of wrapping up of loose ends, but eventually the Mighty Nein are back home, without any pressing responsibilities, and Caleb knows he has no excuse left to put it off. 

He knocks on her door perhaps a little harder than is necessary, and then stares when she opens it. He knows Yeza is not with her, because he passed him in the lab on the way here. 

“Caleb?”

“Could I, ah, come in?”

“Of course.”

He walks in, and smooths his hands down his coat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nott & caleb's conversation, and after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly can't tell if they're ooc at this point and i've decided i just don't care

Nott opens the door, and is maybe a little more shocked than she should be to see Caleb in her doorway. She blinks in surprise before asking, “Caleb?”

“Could I, ah, come in?” he asks in return, and he sounds almost- nervous? 

“Of course!” and she steps out of the way. He smooths his hands down his coat as he walks in, and now Nott is worried- is something wrong? She can’t think of anything she’s done to make him angry at her, but this past week has been so hectic-

She’s pulled from her thoughts when he clears his throat. “Nott- before I, well, uh- I just. Wanted to apologize, for avoiding you. I was- I thought, perhaps, with your husband, well, uh. I was. Jealous. And I allowed that to stop me from comforting you, when you need it most, and that is a failure on my part.”

Nott can only stare incredulously. “I- you thought- wait, wait, you were _jealous_?!”

He blushes, which is weird, and Nott’s starting to get a feeling this isn’t just an apology. 

“ _Ja_ , but that is not- I spoke to Beau and she recommended I speak to you about this but you know I am bad with- talking. And feelings. And I have been trying to get better, about these things, but, uh- ah, _scheiße_ ,” he pauses, looks up at her, and then back down at his lap, “Several weeks ago, I had a- a conversation, with Beau, in her room, during which she asked me if- if, perhaps, I was. In love. With you. At the time, I, ah, brushed it off. But I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that she was not. Er. Wrong. And I am sorry to bring it up now, I know it is complicated, and I do not wish to hurt your relationship with Yeza, or our friendship, but I thought maybe-”

Nott raises a clawed hand to his mouth. Her mind is racing with all manner of thoughts- _Yeza should really be here for this conversation_ being most prominent, but right now she just needs a minute. 

While she can’t say she has a _crush_ on Caleb, exactly, she’s certainly noted some of his more attractive features, and he is very smart, and that bit about being his parent was more to get the group off her back and in-the-moment spite than anything else. 

She realizes it’s probably been a little too long since she’s spoken, and moves away her hand. 

“Okay, I’ll be back in like, two seconds,” she says, and runs out of the room and towards the library, where she knows he’ll be. 

Caleb stares, wide eyed, at the open door. True, he hadn’t had high expectations for this conversation, but Nott literally running from the room was not an outcome he'd seen coming. He puts his head in his hands and wonders if he’s just ruined his closest friendship. However, it’s hardly two minutes later he hears the sound of footsteps approaching and he sees Nott- dragging Yeza behind her. Oh, gods, what _has_ he done?

Nott releases Yeza, and he sits down. 

“Er, honey? Why did we just run here from the library?” he asks, fixing his glasses and only sounding a _little_ out of breath. Nott smiles at him, and it’s only a little nervous. 

“Well, we could hardly start dating Caleb without you here, unless your plant encyclopedia is just that riveting?”

* * *

It’s Yeza’s idea, the decision not to make an announcement to the group. The night after Caleb knocks on her door, Nott starts lightly freaking out about the Mighty Nein’s reaction. Halflings don’t really… _do_ enforced monogamy, so it isn’t a big deal for either of them to accept Caleb into their relationship- although Nott’s still ninety pounds of issues in a forty-five pound bag, but they’re working on it- and Nott’s pretty sure Jester won’t care, but the rest? Who _knows_.

So Yeza just turns to her and asks why they have to announce anything at all? So they don’t. Caleb slowly stops sleeping in his room, and Nott acquires a bigger blanket, and in the morning, when Caleb ruffles her hair, he has a warmer look in his eyes than usual, and during breakfast, Yeza turns to ask Caleb a question about magic, and drops the honorific, and for a whole eight days, none of them notice. 

As the three of them get more comfortable with the changed dynamic, it starts to become a bit of a game, to see what they can do in front of the others without anyone realizing they’re all together. 

It’s not until, on their way out of the house for a shopping trip, Yeza and Nott lean over simultaneously and give an unsuspecting Caleb a kiss on each cheek that Beau notices and says, “what the fuck?” loud enough to get the others’ attention. 

“What, am I not allowed to kiss my boyfriend goodbye?” Nott asks, unable to keep the smile off her face. 

“Yeah!” Yeza agrees, arms crossed. Caleb’s face is bright red at this point, but he doesn’t look up from his book. 

Beau looks haplessly from Nott to Caleb to Yeza, until she throws her hands up and turns towards the door. The rest are gaping at them with varying amounts of shock, Caduceus excluded- he hasn't even looked away from a potted flower he's watering. 

“You guys are ridiculous!” she calls over her shoulder as she leaves. 

Yeza and Nott smirk at each other before they remember they have a shopping list full of stuff they need to be buying. 

“Hey, wait up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your comments convinced to write this but it is probably painfully obvious that 1) i am out of practice writing these two & 2) i have never been in a polyam relationship

**Author's Note:**

> had a craving for nott/caleb content


End file.
